It’s been five months since we split up and yet I’ll be honest you still cross my mind every other day. No matter what I do, you always seem to come up. I mean we did spend like three years of our lives together. And at one point in my life I thought that you were the one. So maybe it’s natural that you keep creeping up in my thoughts. It’s kind of crazy to think that I spent the majority of my high school with you, when I think back on those four years I think of two things: basketball and us. I won’t ever regret what we had because at the time it was something special. But it is difficult to move on in a way because the past is always somehow with the present and the future. I think a part of me will always hold the memories that we shared. The things that we did. The moments that we had. It’s not like you can just forget about those in an instance and move one. It’s almost as if I’m comparing everything and everyone with you and how we use to be. For the better and for the worse. But I’m not sure, I’m not sure how long you’ll stay in my mind. Will I ever completely move on? I guess only time will, only time will tell.
You only live one life, you only have so many days, you only have so many minutes, you only have so many seconds. I’m not trying to be a pessimist. I’m just being a realist. You never know when you’ll die. So, I believe in happiness. I believe in eternal happiness. I believe that if you have the opportunity to be happy, why not choose that? If you can spend the rest of your life smiling why wouldn’t you? Maybe it’s just my name. Maybe it’s in my blood. Maybe it’s just me. But I try to make light of all the situations I’m in. I seek happiness. I hate it when people are upset or when people are angry, etc. etc. I know there are certain situations when that has to occur, I mean obviously that’s part of life. But for the most part I’d rather be happy. I really take in consideration my surroundings and the people around me. I really truly do want happiness for everyone. I know that may sound naive but it’s just what I want. I think it’s wasteful to spend time acting negatively towards people. If people don’t appreciate you, move on. They don’t deserve your time nor do they deserve to be around you. Be around people who appreciate you, that’s where you’ll be the most comfortable and the happiest.
So I have three points to bring up
- What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say. Basicallyactions speak louder than words. I adore that quote so much. I think it humbles me in the fact that it grounds me and makes me understand that verbally I can say anything, but my actions should and will always determine the person I am. And that is the underlying factor that determines what kind of person I am.
- I think for the most part I am fiercely independent. I’m not afraid to do things on my own. I know that at the end of the day I am living for myself so whats the point of letting other people ruin your experiences? If they don’t want to do what you want to do, then, well thats their loss. Sometimes being alone is better than being with someone who doesn’t want to be there. I’ve learned that in college a lot of people hate being alone, they hate eating alone, going to the gym alone, etc. They don’t and won’t go somewhere if it’s by themselves. And now, I don’t care if people come with me. In fact if it’s something I want to do, I’ll do it myself. I don’t exactly pride myself on being “independent” because I think that having friends and being with people is a good thing. Sometimes I feel like I should be hanging with my friends at the shitty dinning hall instead of walking to the organic dinning hall. But at the end of the day you have to weigh out what is more important and you have to sacrifice for those things that are important to you. If it’s what you want, it’s what you want.
- Luke 6:31 “Do to others as you would have them do to you” As simple as it sounds, it’s actually hard to follow through on this statement. I live and die by this quote. My actions are motivated by what I would want others to do to me if I was in the same place. It’s just simple. I think for the most part people take each other for granted. I hate that, and I know that I am a culprit of my own statement, so essentially I must hate myself? I do, I hate it when I’m so selfish that I don’t care about what others think. I hate myself in those moment because I am so weak that I can only think about myself. I think that what annoys me the most is that people don’t seem to understand that their actions affect other, and if they do understand that they don’t take into consideration of other people’s feelings.
Try not to take things for granted. I know that is such a simple statement and it seems like such a plausible thought but it is much harder than it seems. I think for the most part of my life I have taken everything for granted. Yet here I am at age eighteen trying to change that. Trying, key word, trying. I know that I take so much for granted. For example my college education, my family, my friends, my health, etc. It is so easy to take things for granted. But when you step back and you start to lose some of these things you realize how much you took for granted. Now I’m saying this because it is clearly obvious at this age of my life that I see so many people taking things for granted. And it kind of makes me angry. Sometimes I just want to shout and scream out, why why are you taking these things for granted? You never know when something might end. You just never know. So before you do anything keep in mind that one day if you take someone or something for granted that person or thing may be gone. So I end this post with a quote "We often take for granted that our lights will come on when we flip the light switch, but the reality is that our reliability standards and the current state of the transmission grid leave us all vulnerable to blackouts."
One day I want to be like my mom, I want to be half the person my mom is. I don’t know how she does it, I honestly don’t. She had every single right to walk away from my dad and she didn’t. She had every single right to not take me, my brother, and my sister to all our extra circular activities, but she didn’t. She had every single right to make my sister and I pay for our college education, but she didn’t. She had every single right to stay in Taiwan after college, but she didn’t, she wanted a better future for her kids. You get the point right? My mom is the least selfish person, always doing things for her kids, her family, her friends, etc. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her really stop and do things for herself. She is my hero. She really is.
Who cares what people think? Who cares right?
We all care, whether we want to admit it or not, we all care about what people think. Our motivation is what society will think of us, and it could be positive and it can be negative. But the fact of the matter is, everything that we do is for a purpose and every action is motivated by someone or something.
Something that I have been sensitive about is my physical appearance. I’m not fat, I know that, I know I’m skinny but I have that imagine of being skinny. I’m known as that “fit, skinny girl” and it pains me when anyone says that I’ve gotten fatter. I don’t know why but I can’t and I won’t take that. I’ll do anything and everything to make sure that I stay this way, that I don’t gain weight. That I remain the same, because for some reason I take pride in my fitness and once that’s gone, a part of me is gone.
The line between what’s ethically and morally right and what’s socially acceptable is growing farther and farther a part. I don’t know exactly when I started to realize this, but it has dawned upon me recently that I am not like everyone else. I’m serious for the most part because I know who I am and I know what I want to accomplish, and with that, I understand that I need to get things done. A part of me feels like I’m all wrong about this. That I should really just be carefree about, well, everything. But at the end of the day I know that sometimes doing what’s right isn’t what’s more “fun”. I think that college has really tested my ability to remain focused and most importantly my ability to remain true to who I am. I’ve obviously adapted some of these habits and social patterns that I would say every normal college student exhibits but I hope I haven’t lost control of who I am. And I think that’s the most important thing. It’s all about balance. I strongly believe that you can truly experience everything if you have an open mind and you have the maturity to try new things to really judge them for what they are. I’m on a journey and I know that I’ll feel great at points and I’ll feel horrible at points, but that’s what life is about. It’s about taking steps in the right direction and it’s about taking steps in the wrong direction, but at the same time never forgetting about your destination.
So here it goes, here it is, my story.
I always knew I loved sports, I knew it from the day I stepped on the soccer field, the day I threw my first baseball, and the day that I shot my first basketball. I loved the adrenaline, the rush, the passion, and the dedication that revolves around sports. I played and did everything and anything that I could as a child including, but of course not limited to: soccer, basketball, softball, baseball, gymnastics, ballet, hockey, rugby, volleyball etc. I enjoyed being so carefree within a sport. It was my release. I wasn’t really great at anything, I just worked hard at whatever I did.
I never really dedicated myself to one sport, I sort of bounced around from sport to sport, which I think is what really put me behind in my respective sport. I never played NJB, or AAU, etc. I just played for fun. Going into my freshmen year, I knew I had to play basketball. What I didn’t know was that the basketball program that I was joining was superior. The team I wanted to join had just come off a national title — that’s right, the 2009 team had finished off the year ranked #1 girl’s basketball team in the United States of America. We had scholarship players going to multiple division one schools. I was in awe. Of course, I made the freshmen team. I wasn’t good, well I’ll be honest with you, I sucked. I didn’t know what a layup was, I could make maybe one basket out of ten, and oh my god we won’t talk about three pointers. However, I was eager to learn. I had the passion and desire. So after my freshmen year I would spend hours and hours working after practice, working when we didn’t have practice. I worked day in and day out on my strengths and of course my weakness (I had many of those).
My sophomore year was the what I think the best and worst year of my basketball career. I learned so much about myself that year, but not only did I learn about myself, I learned about life itself. The whole entire offseason (august) I had spent working day in and day out on my skills. I felt confident that I was going to make the JV team. Through out the spring season and the summer season I had played considerably well and was even invited to some varsity tournaments (of course as a bench player). However to my demise my coach put me on the freshman team again. I’ll be honest with you, I was broken. He broke me with that decision. You could say I was depressed, because I was. I had worked so hard, but to fail? What was I suppose to do. My other friend who ended up making the freshman team quit. I had to make a decision: would I remain on the team? Would I accept my fate? or would I quit. Well, let me tell you something, I’m not a quitter. As much as it pained me, I walked into that gym the next week with the freshmen team ready to lead and ready to play. I was lucky that the freshmen team and the JV practiced together, because that’s where everything changed. Through my play and my practice ethics I started playing in JV games, I averaged 17 points in a tournament right before season, and eventually I made the JV team. I became a on and off starter. I went through a lot of ups and downs that season, but I realized something really important. I realized that you prove yourself daily, and that things can change in an instant. I found this quote that I now live by: passion makes you fearless. If you put your heart and your soul into something good things will come, they may not come initially but if you have the patience, eventually you will be able to experience greatness. My crazy sophomore year came to an end and although I was looked down upon, although I wasn’t given a chance, I proved myself daily and made the varsity team the following year. I didn’t play much my junior year, and that was fine. I worked hard in practice and accepted my role as a bench player.
My senior year was different. I played AAU the previous summer and got a lot better, and I also worked on, well, everything. I wanted to start and I wanted a lot of minutes. I thought that I deserved them, that I earned them. But of course nothing good comes easy right? The start of the season I really didn’t know who I was as a player, I felt like I had to prove myself, and I just wasn’t playing well. I didn’t get many minutes the first few games, but once we hit our road tournaments, things changed. As I figured out who I was as a player (a screener, a passer, and a defender — before a shooter) I began to excel in games. I had my opportunities in multiple games and ended up scoring in crucial minutes. I became a dependable player and ended up starting the last 15 games of the season. I never was the go to player, I never was the star player, I never got the credit, but I did enjoy everything. I didn’t need to be that player to enjoy the game. At the end of the season I was voted second team all league the league coaches and I was just in shock. A girl like me? A girl like me who didn’t even know how to shoot a three pointer, a girl like me who didn’t even know how to make a layup? earns second team all league, wow. What surprised me more was that I even got recruited by a couple of schools. I learned so much through it all.
Basketball has taught me about life. It has taught me how to deal with success, and it has taught me how to deal with failure. But most importantly it has taught me about passion. Passion makes you fearless.
I think a part of me is really upset and angry about the situation but at the same time I’m extremely open and accepting. In a candid blog I’ll admit that it wasn’t easy for me to come to let go of what has been mine for three years. It’s like losing a part of your body, you just don’t feel right without it. But the decision wasn’t in my hand, I didn’t make the final decision. And what hurts the most is that you gave up what was ours, three full years of great memories, for the uncertain future. At the same time of being upset, I’m also starting to believe that this was the right way to go. I think I became more obsessed with the idea of us then, well, what we actually were. I need someone who will love me unconditionally. You said “I’ve never had another girlfriend how am I supposed to know?” And you are completely right with that statement. You have every single right to feel like that, but also, if you believed in us then you wouldn’t have thought that. If what was in your present was enough you wouldn’t be pondering and wondering “is there anything else out there?” I sit and I struggle with that concept but I’m learning to accept what has happened and I’m excited for the future. Who knows what else is out there? It’s going to be difficult for the next few weeks, but time heals all and soon I’ll be whole again. It won’t ever feel the same as before, but I know, that everything happens for a reason. So here’s to a new journey.
As the days slip away and the anticipated moving day of August 21st comes closer and closer I begin to wonder if I really am ready to move across the country to start my college journey. 2,903 miles away from what I have called my home, is where I will be spending the next fours years of my life. Storrs, Connecticut. Rewind to a year ago, the summer before senior year, I was narrowing down my colleges choices from about 20 colleges to ten. I don’t exactly remember the exact names of these colleges but I know they ranged from California schools, to Texas schools, to Connecticut schools. I never thought I would be going to school in connecticut, I just applied because of the great basketball program it held and also the fact that my sister lived in connecticut. I also applied to Baylor, Penn State, Rutgers, Drexel, UC Davis, and Syracuse. I’ve always known what I wanted to be, for the past four years of high school I’ve known that I want to become a registered dietician.