i always end up feeling cheated

To say the last four days have been busy is an understatement. I never really thought it through when I agreed to do so much. I know it’s not in my right to complain because I put myself in this situation but it’s definitely been a tough four days.  I know that I should be proud of myself for being able to accomplish so much but I can’t really be proud when I’m not excelling in everything that I’m doing. It’s hard because I strive for greatness in everything that I do. I want to be the best that I can possibly be at all times. I know that tests don’t define who you are. They never have and they never will because tests aren’t fair in respect that they can only assess so much of what a person knows. PNB/MCB/NUSC are all pure memorization and it’s hard for me to just sit and memorize 100’s of pages of text. It’s not something in my nature to do and it won’t be something that I have to do in my future career so I’m not so concerned that I didn’t get the best grade, I just have this ego, I have too much pride to not to well. I think it’s quite a process - the whole exam process. It’s interesting because each professor does it their own way. So if you do study for hours on end if you’re not studying in the way the professor is going to be making the exam then you aren’t studying right. It’s refreshing to know that I have taken one exam each for each class so I now know how these exams will be and I should be more prepared. Heres to progression, not perfection. 

between the lines

I don’t feel the need to be with people constantly. I don’t feel the need to have people around me at all times. Does that mean I don’t need to be needed? No I don’t think thats what it means. I think it just means that I’m comfortable with being alone. Actually sometimes I feel more comfortable being alone. I think with it’s just that I have more control when I’m alone. I like to have this sense of control with everything I do. The only person I can control is myself so when I’m by myself I know that I can count on myself and do what I need to do. I don’t know what other people are going to do and if they are going to follow through on what they said. So I would rather just trust myself. I know that it’s not always good to be by yourself. But I can’t help but enjoy that time alone. And I don’t know if thats a good thing? Or if that’s a bad thing. I mean it’s not like I don’t enjoy hanging out with friends, I do enjoy hanging out with people. It’s just that there gets to a point where I want to do other things besides just hanging out and talking. I think it might be because I want to do so much, that I don’t have to time to just do nothing. I don’t like to do nothing because honestly life is so short. I feel the need to maximize every single minute that I have. Thats why I always have plans. I always have something to do. Because I need to feel like I am doing everything that I can possibly do. I mean this year I’m taking two lab classes, a nutrition class, and a writing sociology course. In addition to that I have a job as a student administrative assistant, I work for the uconn women’s basketball team, play for the club basketball team, and then am the chief fin. officer for club basketball. I have so much to do and sometime I wonder why I put so much on my plate? Why? I think it’s just because I want to do so much. Theres just so much to do and not enough time. I just hope that I can be as successful as I know that I have the potential to be. 

i’m only human and i bleed when i fall down

I’ve come to realization that I’ve been way too selfish all my life. I use to find some sort of satisfaction, some sort of happiness by making other people jealous. And now looking back I realize how wrong that is. Where is the humility? Where is my humility? Why do I find happiness when other people are jealous of what I have. Are my actions caused by my desire and passion to “do the thing”? Or are my actions caused by my desire to make other people jealous that I am “doing that thing”. I started to question myself and my motives. And once I had an answer. I realized that I was doing things for the wrong reason. Why not share happiness if you can? 

I try to be the best person that I can be. I try to be the most ethical person that I can be. I try my best, but it’s hard. It’s easier to be selfish. It’s easier to be stubborn. It is human nature to be selfish. At the end of the day we live for ourselves right? We have this one journey, this one story, this one chance, so we should focus on ourselves right? I think thats wrong. We are all connected to one and other as human beings, we are all involved in other peoples life. And we can make their journey, their story, their chance such a great experience if we just stopped and thought about other people besides ourself. I’m not saying that we have to give up our happiness to make other people happy, I’m saying that if we just a gave a little up we could just be so much more happy than we are now. I always try to treat others the way that I would want to be treated. Because I think the people surrounding me deserve that. We all deserve someone who treats us well - and we need to treat others well in return. However we can only control our actions, we can’t control other people’s actions. And as hard as it is to be the better person, I try to because at least I know that I put my best foot forward. 

I think a lot about who I am, what I stand for, who I want to be. I’ve realized that I’m always growing. I’m always learning. I’m always changing. Who I am today is not who I was yesterday. And that’s because you learn so much with every second that you are alive. The experiences that you face help you grow and develop as a human being. Everyone has their story. I have mine. People have theirs. I need to respect that. I need to understand that I have no right to judge someone. I need to mature. I need to grow. 

When it rains, it pours.

I had a pretty deep talk with one of my closet friends today about friendship (and life) and it made me really question the people I consider “friends” in my life. I started thinking what do I consider a good friend? I starting thinking about my best friends and what qualities that I like in them. I think for the most part, for me, I need someone who is honest with me, but also supportive. I’m not asking for a friend who only supports me by feeding me lies. See, that to me is a fake friend. If i’m going through a hard time, yes of course I want your support. But I also want the truth. I want a balance between two. I never want my friend to out right lie to me to make me feel better. I think what my friend Marissa and I came up with is that there needs to be some sort of balance. If you know your friend did something wrong, then you need to address that. But you need to know how to handle certain situations. Obviously if this person is hurt you need to take that in consideration and make sure that your friend knows that you do want happiness and success for them because at the end of the day thats what friends are for . Maybe at this time it’s not right to tell them that they are wrong, however don’t lie to someone just to make them feel better. I see so many people do that and it just is bullshit to me. Be real and be true. 

We continued to talk about friendship fallouts and how friendships fall. I think we came to the conclusion that when there are huge difference in the values between two people there can no longer be a friendship. It’s almost as if - even if there are good times - there will always be those moments that disrupt the friendship and cause trauma. It’s better off to leave these “friendships” because in the end, you have to look for your happiness. It’s hard for me to leave people because I’m the kind of person who has a hard time letting go. I always try to keep pushing and pushing for better moments. I always give people the benefit and the doubt. I always give people more chances. I always let people back in my life because I think people grow and people change. But I need a balance. I need to stop letting people in my life - and I need to stop trying to fix friendships that can’t be fixed. Theres this quote that always comes to mind “You can only try your best. And if they can’t appreciate that, it’s their fault, not yours.” 

So remember, be the best person you can be, be the best friend that you can be. And if they can’t appreciate that, it’s their fault, not yours. 

Dear Hope,

I’m writing this letter because I never thought that it would come to this point. I always thought about writing a letter to you expressing my admiration for you a person and as a player. But I’m not sure where I stand today. I fell in love with the women’s national team two years ago during the Olympics in 2012. For some reason it was you who I chose out of all of the 18 players on the pitch. I read your book and I was just amazed by what you had to go through and what you had to overcome to be the person you are today. I think for the next two years I invested so much time in everything related to you. Whether that be tweets or games or appearances. I was what you could say a huge fan. When I woke up on June 21s to receive texts from a friend with the subject “Hope was arrested omg” I think my world broke into pieces. It was like the worst thing someone could have said to me that day. I mean just prior to that week you got your 71st shutout. I was happy for you. I thought about your situation a lot. And maybe I don’t have the right to do that, but I put myself in this position where I looked up to you so much that when I found out your situation I was extremely upset. I won’t lie. I know you’re not perfect Hope, nobody is. But it’s difficult to support you when you makes decisions that effect you and others in a negative way. I’m going to be honest with you Hope because you deserve that, I don’t know you at all. I think I told myself for the past two years that I knew you were just because I read your book and I watched the videos posted of you and I got glimpse of who you were via twitter. I think I like to tell myself that I knew your motivates and just who you were as a person. But I think I was wrong. That’s my fault. I didn’t realize that there are a lot of things that I don’t and won’t ever know. A 300 page book isn’t enough to tell me who you are. Am I disappointed? Of course I am. With the story that your nephew and your sister has given - of course I am. But at the same time I don’t know enough of the case (esp. your side of the story to completely condone or condemn you). Whatever it is please get the help you need. Leave the people in your life that are bringing you down. Be more mature and less reckless. I want to see success for you. I want to see you lifting up that world cup medal in 2015. Regardless of who instigated the fight or what your motives were it’s never okay to use violence to solve something. It’s never too late to learn something new so I hope that you learn from this situation. That you grow from this situation. That you pick yourself up from this mess that you yourself created. Your actions whether you are sober or not define who you are. Change that. You have created this mess for yourself. I am rooting for you Hope. I want to see you find light in such a horrible situation. 

Who you are is not who you have been, your still an innocent.

In regards to the case I feel like there is so much unclarity with the domestic violence procedures in the state of Washington. What I’ve come up with through research is: Washington in specific cases - like domestic violence, whoever is deemed the aggressor is the one arrested regardless of how many participated in a “fight” or “argument”. The “police officer responding to an incident of domestic violence” is required to arrest the person that they believe instigated the altercation as the law states that “the officer will arrest only the person he or she believes to be the primary aggressor (x)” So even if the so called “aggressor” just protected herself or himself from whatever happened, she or he would be defined as the “aggressor” (which is a term that can be looked at in many ways and can be defined different ways). The police just have to have an assumption of a fight to arrest for fourth degree domestic violence. In the police reports it states that Hope was at a house party, intoxicated, involved in an argument where her half sister and her nephew that somehow ended up into a physical fight. Where Hope’s half sister and nephew were left with physical marks when the police arrived. There is a lot that goes on between the police coming and someone being arrested - especially when I would assume both parties were intoxicated. But enough with “scenarios”, we don’t know what happened. I’m a victim of it too, I like to guess what has happened and that’s not right because we don’t know what happened. We can only wait at this point. Skepticism can only produce comfort or doubt, but both are false and only temporary thoughts.

I think the reason I’m defending Hope so much is because I literally feel bad for her. We all put ourselves in shitty situations. At the end of the day we are human beings. We are not perfect and we never will be. We all make decisions that aren’t exactly right. Stupid decisions. It’s who we are as human beings. I’m not saying what “she did” (Quotations on what she did because we really don’t know at this point) was right by any means but I am saying that athletes aren’t perfect. They mess up too, just like us. But the beauty of life is that it goes on. It’s just when we put ourselves in situations like this, we don’t have repercussions like she does in regards to being a trending topic for 10 hours and having news after news after news agencies reporting this. The world isn’t watching and judging, waiting for us to take the wrong steps. In all honesty as a supporter of Hope I don’t feel disappointed towards her but more so sad and mad. Sad because I think that her punishment for something that she may not have done is so great that at this point there is nothing that she can do to bring back her tarnished reputation. Mad because she needs to be more careful of her actions. It may not be her fault but she was involved. Whatever it is she needs to understand that she is a figure and whatever she does is put on the screen in detail whether she/I like it or not. I truly (well clearly since I am a fan) do believe that at the end of the day Hope is a good person. But I do understand that like any human being we have moments where we aren’t who we really are, we become someone else or something else. Those moments where you think to yourself “why did I do that?” We all have those weak moments. I think out of this I have learned that one mistake/one decision doesn’t define somebody’s whole life. It should never come down to that. However, sadly it does, you could do 1000 great things but the second you do one thing wrong, that could be it. I think that’s really sad. But it’s reality, it’s the truth, it’s what our society believes in for the most part.

I think that what we need to take from this is that Hope is a human being, she makes mistakes, but that doesn’t mean she’s a horrible person with horrible intentions. That just means that she is as any other human being still growing and learning. I think whats most important is what her actions are following this incident. Because like I said, we all make mistakes. Whats important is our actions following the mistakes we make. And as a fan it frustrates me. Believe me. How am I supposed to feel when I wake up to find my role model the person that I’ve looked up to for two straight years has been arrested? But when I look at it now, she never signed up to be my role model. She never said “Hey guys I’m Hope Solo and I want to be your role model.” She doesn’t owe anything to us and she never will. Of course we have the right to judge her each and every move on the field though - because that is her profession. But just because she is an athlete doesn’t give us the right to judge her each and every move in her personal life. Sometimes I think it’s easy to forget that athletes are people too.

All and all, the fact of the matter is nothing is out. The police have the right to arrest based on suspicion and assumptions, the court/hearing will determine what “really” happened. It’s unfortunate to see this happen to her at this stage in her career. She finally put her life together. She finally tied the shut out record for us soccer and is so close to breaking it and her club team is undefeated. I think it’s sad that her life is so chaotic. It seems like what she said is true “My family doesn’t do happy endings. We do sad endings or frustrating endings or no endings at all. We are hardwired to expect the next interruption or disappearance or broken promise.” As a fan I’m going to stand by her until the details are exposed and then I’ll think about where I want to go from there. That’s me giving her the benefit of the doubt because that’s what I believe she deserves. She needs support now, and that’s what I’ll give her.

Why You Got To Be So Rude, I’m Human Too

But its “just part of the game”.

Just because something is the “normal” doesn’t mean that it’s right. People eat McDonalds on the daily, it’s normal. That doesn’t mean McDonalds is the right choice of food. People buy nonorganic food on the daily, it’s normal. Doesn’t mean that nonorganic food is healthier and better than organic food. Point is that it seems that people are using “oh it’s normal” as an excuse to do things that aren’t right. Sometimes things that aren’t normal are the right things to do. And it’s hard because people tend to side with the majority. But as I have said before, sometimes the majority is wrong. I mean obviously case one, slavery. The majority of the citizens at the time thought that slavery was right. Is it? It’s not. I know that I’m biased, well of course I’m biased. I get very defensive. But as I take a step back I think that I really believe in what I’m saying in a more ethical manner, more so than just supporting - Hope. 

Heckling has and will always be a part of sports culture. It is what it is. On a personal level I would never heckle players, I mean no matter how much I dislike a player or a team I would never do that. Maybe it’s just the way I am - my personality. I think that athletes work extremely hard to do what they do. Even if I don’t like a certain athlete that doesn’t mean I don’t respect what they have do to the game and for their team. With that respect I restrain myself from shouting and taunting negative comments at “so called player”. I instead focus on my team and supporting my team. You can support a team without downplaying another team and another player. It’s quite possible. I’m not a strong advocate for heckling but I understand that, obviously, it happens. I do think it’s quite absurd when fans are taken back when players respond to their heckling. Oh but it’s not “professional” but athletes are humans before they are athletes. They aren’t sponges. They aren’t just going to soak everything in. What you give is what you get. At the end of the day, if you dish something out you don’t be hurt when it comes back to you. 

Because I Still Turn To You

To My Mom.

I know I wasn’t the easiest to deal with as a child. I mean I didn’t even let you brush my teeth when I was younger because I wanted to do it all on my own. I know I’ve always been headstrong, stubborn, fiercely independent – you get the point. But I have to stay that I haven’t been ignoring your lectures. Well technically I have, but I’ve realized that I want to become the person that you want me to become and the person that you know that I can become.  It has taken me eighteen years to realize this, but I guess we all mature at different times. I always thought that I knew everything that I needed to know, but little did I know that it is true, mother’s do know best. I want to become someone who’s just like you.

You are the most unselfish person that I know. I always took it for granted but now looking back I think, no, I know I was a very lucky child. Most kids play one sport and go to one art class, but no you wanted your children to do it all. You took Serena and me to dance classes all the way in Hacienda Heights, art classes in Fullerton, piano classes in Rowland Heights, and soccer practice in La Habra, etc. I could go on and on. You didn’t have to do that. You had every excuse after a long day of work to come home and just relax but you wanted the best for us. Even if you were tired you would drive those 40 minutes just so we could take a class. You wanted to let us experience everything so we could find our passion. And I am so thankful and grateful for that. Thank you Mom.

 I know that I’ve always been an unorganized child but I’m trying to change that. I know that it’s not because I’m “born like that” it’s an excuse that I always gave myself, I know it’s because I’m lazy. But you’re not lazy. You’ve taught me to do things because it’s the right thing to do, not because it’s the easiest thing to do. I’m weak at times, but in those moments I think to myself “you’re mom does this every single day, why can’t you do it for this one moment?” Thank you for inspiring me.

You haven’t had the best life. I know. I remember the first time and the only time I saw you cry. I cried that day too. I cried for you. I cried because you deserve so much better than what you got. I know that people make mistakes, I understand that sometimes we slip, that sometimes we mess up. But I wish that “situation” never happened. Because you don’t deserve anything like that. You are a devoted hard working women, who cares deeply about your family. You do everything for your family and it’s a shame that your family can’t give that back to you. As I’ve matured I’ve realized that I want to give back to you like you gave so much to me. I can’t make anyone else do anything, but I can control my actions and I know that I want you to be happy. I want you to find happiness in the life that you are living in. So I’m going to try, going to try really hard, to be the “joy” in your life.

be better

Summer goals of 2014 

  • get a job and make at least $200 a week 
  • get the coaching job at brea
  • go to church every week 
  • do the dishes everyday that you are home
  • do laundry for family members
  • help take kevin outside: to the park, to the beach, to swim, activities
  • spend less time on the computer, more time with your family 
  • eat healthy and encourage your family 
  • get your mid range jumper and three pointers automatic
  • ball handling workouts
  • don’t be afraid to try new sports and activities, it doesn’t always have to be basketball
  • run a total of 15 miles a week 
  • train to run a half marathon 
  • explore don’t be afraid to go out and try new things, explore new places
  • surf (a lot) 
  • read 10 books (different type of books, nonfiction, fiction, sci-fi etc. etc. try new things)
  • volunteer 
  • do what your mom says

It’s time to grow up and become the person that mom always wanted you to become. 

"I think that left turns and wrong turns are necessary to get lost and rediscover yourself"

I never in a million years thought I would be so invested in a soccer team. Never, ever. But I’ve fallen in love with a team, a team that has taught me how to dream, a team that has taught me to never give up, and now a team that has taught me that it’s alright to fall. That you can’t win all your battles. That sometimes you need to fall in order to rise up again. It’s almost funny that I couldn’t believe that the USWNT lost, I couldn’t believe that my favorite goalkeeper gave up five goals. “But isn’t she better than that?” That’s all I could think, but I then took a step back and realized that I expected too much from this team. Losing is part of the game. The greatest teams have lost and the greatest teams have failed. It’s through failure that you learn. When you win everything is great and even if you make mistakes you turn away from those mistakes and look upon your win, but when you lose everything is analyzed. These girls aren’t perfect, at the end of the day they are athletes trying to be the best they can be. And sometimes that leads to being selfish or doing something wrong. It’s easy to judge a team, it’s easy to judge their performance when they lose and when they win. It’s too easy. Sometimes it’s almost better to take a step and smile because, this team has and will continue to fight to succeed. They may have lost the most recent battle but they will get back up and they will learn and come back even stronger, and better.