impulsive

"I think that left turns and wrong turns are necessary to get lost and rediscover yourself"

I never in a million years thought I would be so invested in a soccer team. Never, ever. But I’ve fallen in love with a team, a team that has taught me how to dream, a team that has taught me to never give up, and now a team that has taught me that it’s alright to fall. That you can’t win all your battles. That sometimes you need to fall in order to rise up again. It’s almost funny that I couldn’t believe that the USWNT lost, I couldn’t believe that my favorite goalkeeper gave up five goals. “But isn’t she better than that?” That’s all I could think, but I then took a step back and realized that I expected too much from this team. Losing is part of the game. The greatest teams have lost and the greatest teams have failed. It’s through failure that you learn. When you win everything is great and even if you make mistakes you turn away from those mistakes and look upon your win, but when you lose everything is analyzed. These girls aren’t perfect, at the end of the day they are athletes trying to be the best they can be. And sometimes that leads to being selfish or doing something wrong. It’s easy to judge a team, it’s easy to judge their performance when they lose and when they win. It’s too easy. Sometimes it’s almost better to take a step and smile because, this team has and will continue to fight to succeed. They may have lost the most recent battle but they will get back up and they will learn and come back even stronger, and better. 

Things I Enjoy Eating

  • Naan Bread 
  • Tortilla Chips & Salsa
  • Grilled Cheese
  • Oreo Ice Cream
  • Kettle Corn
  • Shredded Hash Browns

"only you have been high when you have been low"

It’s been five months since we split up and yet I’ll be honest you still cross my mind every other day. No matter what I do, you always seem to come up. I mean we did spend like three years of our lives together. And at one point in my life I thought that you were the one. So maybe it’s natural that you keep creeping up in my thoughts. It’s kind of crazy to think that I spent the majority of my high school with you, when I think back on those four years I think of two things: basketball and us. I won’t ever regret what we had because at the time it was something special. But it is difficult to move on in a way because the past is always somehow with the present and the future. I think a part of me will always hold the memories that we shared. The things that we did. The moments that we had. It’s not like you can just forget about those in an instance and move one. It’s almost as if I’m comparing everything and everyone with you and how we use to be. For the better and for the worse. But I’m not sure, I’m not sure how long you’ll stay in my mind. Will I ever completely move on? I guess only time will, only time will tell. 

"I’m only human

You only live one life, you only have so many days, you only have so many minutes, you only have so many seconds. I’m not trying to be a pessimist. I’m just being a realist. You never know when you’ll die. So, I believe in happiness. I believe in eternal happiness. I believe that if you have the opportunity to be happy, why not choose that? If you can spend the rest of your life smiling why wouldn’t you? Maybe it’s just my name. Maybe it’s in my blood. Maybe it’s just me. But I try to make light of all the situations I’m in. I seek happiness. I hate it when people are upset or when people are angry, etc. etc. I know there are certain situations when that has to occur, I mean obviously that’s part of life. But for the most part I’d rather be happy. I really take in consideration my surroundings and the people around me. I really truly do want happiness for everyone. I know that may sound naive but it’s just what I want. I think it’s wasteful to spend time acting negatively towards people. If people don’t appreciate you, move on. They don’t deserve your time nor do they deserve to be around you. Be around people who appreciate you, that’s where you’ll be the most comfortable and the happiest. 

"Did anyone try too hard? I guess I did"

So I have three points to bring up

  1. What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say. Basicallyactions speak louder than words. I adore that quote so much. I think it humbles me in the fact that it grounds me and makes me understand that verbally I can say anything, but my actions should and will always determine the person I am. And that is the underlying factor that determines what kind of person I am.
  2. I think for the most part I am fiercely independent. I’m not afraid to do things on my own. I know that at the end of the day I am living for myself so whats the point of letting other people ruin your experiences? If they don’t want to do what you want to do, then, well thats their loss. Sometimes being alone is better than being with someone who doesn’t want to be there. I’ve learned that in college a lot of people hate being alone, they hate eating alone, going to the gym alone, etc. They don’t and won’t go somewhere if it’s by themselves. And now, I don’t care if people come with me. In fact if it’s something I want to do, I’ll do it myself. I don’t exactly pride myself on being “independent” because I think that having friends and being with people is a good thing. Sometimes I feel like I should be hanging with my friends at the shitty dinning hall instead of walking to the organic dinning hall. But at the end of the day you have to weigh out what is more important and you have to sacrifice for those things that are important to you. If it’s what you want, it’s what you want. 
  3. Luke 6:31 “Do to others as you would have them do to you” As simple as it sounds, it’s actually hard to follow through on this statement. I live and die by this quote. My actions are motivated by what I would want others to do to me if I was in the same place. It’s just simple. I think for the most part people take each other for granted. I hate that, and I know that I am a culprit of my own statement, so essentially I must hate myself? I do, I hate it when I’m so selfish that I don’t care about what others think. I hate myself in those moment because I am so weak that I can only think about myself. I think that what annoys me the most is that people don’t seem to understand that their actions affect other, and if they do understand that they don’t take into consideration of other people’s feelings. 

"But I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down"

Try not to take things for granted. I know that is such a simple statement and it seems like such a plausible thought but it is much harder than it seems. I think for the most part of my life I have taken everything for granted. Yet here I am at age eighteen trying to change that. Trying, key word, trying. I know that I take so much for granted. For example my college education, my family, my friends, my health, etc. It is so easy to take things for granted. But when you step back and you start to lose some of these things you realize how much you took for granted. Now I’m saying this because it is clearly obvious at this age of my life that I see so many people taking things for granted. And it kind of makes me angry. Sometimes I just want to shout and scream out, why why are you taking these things for granted? You never know when something might end. You just never know. So before you do anything keep in mind that one day if you take someone or something for granted that person or thing may be gone. So I end this post with a quote "We often take for granted that our lights will come on when we flip the light switch, but the reality is that our reliability standards and the current state of the transmission grid leave us all vulnerable to blackouts."

"you make me strong"

One day I want to be like my mom, I want to be half the person my mom is. I don’t know how she does it, I honestly don’t. She had every single right to walk away from my dad and she didn’t. She had every single right to not take me, my brother, and my sister to all our extra circular activities, but she didn’t. She had every single right to make my sister and I pay for our college education, but she didn’t. She had every single right to stay in Taiwan after college, but she didn’t, she wanted a better future for her kids. You get the point right? My mom is the least selfish person, always doing things for her kids, her family, her friends, etc. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her really stop and do things for herself. She is my hero. She really is. 

"give a little time to me"

Who cares what people think? Who cares right? 

No

We all care, whether we want to admit it or not, we all care about what people think. Our motivation is what society will think of us, and it could be positive and it can be negative. But the fact of the matter is, everything that we do is for a purpose and every action is motivated by someone or something. 

Something that I have been sensitive about is my physical appearance. I’m not fat, I know that, I know I’m skinny but I have that imagine of being skinny. I’m known as that “fit, skinny girl” and it pains me when anyone says that I’ve gotten fatter. I don’t know why but I can’t and I won’t take that. I’ll do anything and everything to make sure that I stay this way, that I don’t gain weight. That I remain the same, because for some reason I take pride in my fitness and once that’s gone, a part of me is gone. 

"I tried carrying the weight of the world but I only have two hands"

The line between what’s ethically and morally right and what’s socially acceptable is growing farther and farther a part. I don’t know exactly when I started to realize this, but it has dawned upon me recently that I am not like everyone else. I’m serious for the most part because I know who I am and I know what I want to accomplish, and with that, I understand that I need to get things done. A part of me feels like I’m all wrong about this. That I should really just be carefree about, well, everything. But at the end of the day I know that sometimes doing what’s right isn’t what’s more “fun”. I think that college has really tested my ability to remain focused and most importantly my ability to remain true to who I am. I’ve obviously adapted some of these habits and social patterns that I would say every normal college student exhibits but I hope I haven’t lost control of who I am. And I think that’s the most important thing. It’s all about balance. I strongly believe that you can truly experience everything if you have an open mind and you have the maturity to try new things to really judge them for what they are. I’m on a journey and I know that I’ll feel great at points and I’ll feel horrible at points, but that’s what life is about. It’s about taking steps in the right direction and it’s about taking steps in the wrong direction, but at the same time never forgetting about your destination. 

"Say something I’m giving up on you"

So here it goes, here it is, my story. 

I always knew I loved sports, I knew it from the day I stepped on the soccer field, the day I threw my first baseball, and the day that I shot my first basketball. I loved the adrenaline, the rush, the passion, and the dedication that revolves around sports. I played and did everything and anything that I could as a child including, but of course not limited to: soccer, basketball, softball, baseball, gymnastics, ballet, hockey, rugby, volleyball etc. I enjoyed being so carefree within a sport. It was my release. I wasn’t really great at anything, I just worked hard at whatever I did. 

I never really dedicated myself to one sport, I sort of bounced around from sport to sport, which I think is what really put me behind in my respective sport. I never played NJB, or AAU, etc. I just played for fun. Going into my freshmen year, I knew I had to play basketball. What I didn’t know was that the basketball program that I was joining was superior. The team I wanted to join had just come off a national title — that’s right, the 2009 team had finished off the year ranked #1 girl’s basketball team in the United States of America. We had scholarship players going to multiple division one schools. I was in awe. Of course, I made the freshmen team. I wasn’t good, well I’ll be honest with you, I sucked. I didn’t know what a layup was, I could make maybe one basket out of ten, and oh my god we won’t talk about three pointers. However, I was eager to learn. I had the passion and desire. So after my freshmen year I would spend hours and hours working after practice, working when we didn’t have practice. I worked day in and day out on my strengths and of course my weakness (I had many of those).

My sophomore year was the what I think the best and worst year of my basketball career. I learned so much about myself that year, but not only did I learn about myself, I learned about life itself. The whole entire offseason (august) I had spent working day in and day out on my skills. I felt confident that I was going to make the JV team. Through out the spring season and the summer season I had played considerably well and was even invited to some varsity tournaments (of course as a bench player).  However to my demise my coach put me on the freshman team again. I’ll be honest with you, I was broken. He broke me with that decision. You could say I was depressed, because I was. I had worked so hard, but to fail? What was I suppose to do. My other friend who ended up making the freshman team quit. I had to make a decision: would I remain on the team? Would I accept my fate? or would I quit. Well, let me tell you something, I’m not a quitter. As much as it pained me, I walked into that gym the next week with the freshmen team ready to lead and ready to play. I was lucky that the freshmen team and the JV practiced together, because that’s where everything changed. Through my play and my practice ethics I started playing in JV games, I averaged 17 points in a tournament right before season, and eventually I made the JV team. I became a on and off starter. I went through a lot of ups and downs that season, but I realized something really important. I realized that you prove yourself daily, and that things can change in an instant.  I found this quote that I now live by: passion makes you fearless. If you put your heart and your soul into something good things will come, they may not come initially but if you have the patience, eventually you will be able to experience greatness. My crazy sophomore year came to an end and although I was looked down upon, although I wasn’t given a chance, I proved myself daily and made the varsity team the following year. I didn’t play much my junior year, and that was fine. I worked hard in practice and accepted my role as a bench player.

My senior year was different. I played AAU the previous summer and got a lot better, and I also worked on, well, everything. I wanted to start and I wanted a lot of minutes. I thought that I deserved them, that I earned them. But of course nothing good comes easy right? The start of the season I really didn’t know who I was as a player, I felt like I had to prove myself, and I just wasn’t playing well. I didn’t get many minutes the first few games, but once we hit our road tournaments, things changed. As I figured out who I was as a player (a screener, a passer, and a defender — before a shooter) I began to excel in games. I had my opportunities in multiple games and ended up scoring in crucial minutes. I became a dependable player and ended up starting the last 15 games of the season. I never was the go to player, I never was the star player, I never got the credit, but I did enjoy everything. I didn’t need to be that player to enjoy the game. At the end of the season I was voted second team all league the league coaches and I was just in shock. A girl like me? A girl like me who didn’t even know how to shoot a three pointer, a girl like me who didn’t even know how to make a layup? earns second team all league, wow. What surprised me more was that I even got recruited by a couple of schools. I learned so much through it all.

Basketball has taught me about life. It has taught me how to deal with success, and it has taught me how to deal with failure. But most importantly it has taught me about passion. Passion makes you fearless.